


Lessons in Survival

by TheLimeGreenMachine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Loop, Basically everybody - Freeform, Character Death, Connie's POV, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Sex, Spoilers, Time Loop, implied eren/mikasa - Freeform, implied jean/marco, springles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 14:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLimeGreenMachine/pseuds/TheLimeGreenMachine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connie Springer received a bracelet from his mother as a child, and as he gets older, he learns that when he dies, the bracelet takes him back to the first time he ever put it on. He goes through many loops of struggling through his existence and trying to figure out what it's all worth until all of his lives come to one focal point: Sasha. </p><p>Contains some character death and spoilers for about chapter 50 of the manga.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lessons in Survival

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was definitely a great long work. it took me probably about a month to write the whole thing (15 pages!), so it's pretty long. i'm surprised i managed to end it where i did, considering that it could have gone on and on. but this is really a springles heavy fic with several other pairings listed in the tags. hope it was worth the time and hope you enjoy!

When Connie was a child, his mother gave him a bracelet. It wasn’t an unusual bracelet; three strands of strong, faded brown yarn braided together into something that was too big for him when he was little. The day she gave it to him, she’d smiled at him, warmly, gently patting the thing into his small hand. Her face was not unusual when he accepted it happily, and she spoke the words he’d never forget: “It’s just a small gift for you. Just remember one thing; don’t put it on until the day you absolutely need to.”

 

He didn’t think much of it at the time and just left it hidden under the floorboards of the bed he and his siblings shared. It remained undiscovered until years later, when he bundled up the nerve to tell his parents he wanted to join the Military Police. They gave him a traditional pat on the back and told him to start packing. It was then that he discovered the little bracelet safely tucked away (still a bit too big for him) and decided to take it with him to remember his mother by at boot camp.

 

The next morning, he and his father rode all day to the other side of Wall Maria, arriving late in the night to camp for his father to wish him luck and then depart. That evening, when he checked in with the instructor of the training corps and was assigned his bunk (he got a top bed and reluctantly took it; getting up and down would be hard), he laid down and stared at the ceiling. All of the things that Connie took with him from his village were messily packed into his knapsack, which currently rested at the base of his bed. He sat up, careful to be quiet for the other sleeping boys around him, and rustled through it. In the bottom of the smallest pocket rested the bracelet his mother gave him. Connie slipped it around his wrist and tightened it just slightly before collapsing backwards and falling asleep.

 

At the time, he’d thought absolutely nothing of it; it only seemed natural to wear a charm to remember his childhood by. It was easily something she could have made by hand or bought from a local market – whichever it was was impossible to know.

 

His three years at boot camp weren’t horrible. At the end of his training, he ended up 8th in his class, accomplishing his goal of being able to enter the Military Police. He eventually grew taller so that climbing up to his bunk wasn’t as much of a pain in the ass. He even met some people that he’d hopefully be able to keep in contact with after he entered Wall Sina. Personally, though, he felt he was closest to a girl; she was from Wall Maria as well and was a year his elder. Her name was Sasha Braus and he was pretty sure she was the only one in the entire place that had a damn sense of humor. He knew they’d get along the moment he saw the food that she’d stolen from the kitchen when no one was looking – and he knew they’d be friends when she offered him some later.

 

What Connie didn’t know, however, is how close they would become.

 

-          

* * *

 

 

The first time Connie Springer died was the Battle of Trost. He and the other trainees in the supply room had been carrying out their plan when both he and Sasha had missed their titans. Connie watched as Sasha stuttered in horror, one of the titans approaching her, and then it suddenly turned and grabbed him with quicker reflexes than he’d ever seen. He stopped thinking and yelled, loudly, wrangling to get his arms free of the fist that held him.

 

But the titan gnashed him in half and a strangled, gurgled noise escaped his throat. The room was dead silent except for the sound of his agony. How embarrassing it was to die like this, especially in front of his peers – especially in front of Sasha. By the time any of them had gained the sense to say anything (Sasha rushed forward to the titan and Mikasa easily struck it down), he was already dead, chewed in half and bloody on the floor.

 

Then he woke up and he was in his bed in boot camp.

 

A gasp resonated through the room – his gasp – and he sat up quickly and suddenly, chest heaving while he looked around the room. To his relief (and also confusion) he was still in one part instead of two. After the relief subsided, he was only left with confusion and absolutely nothing to explain it. The only viable explanation he came up with was that everything that had happened in those three years of training was one long, sweaty, vigorous dream. It was late, and he knew that, so he figured he’d get some rest so he would be ready for inspection in the morning.

 

Naturally, Connie slept late (just as he had in the dream). He skipped breakfast in his rush to make it to inspection on time, putting his shirt on backwards once before correcting himself. The cabin was empty by the time he scrambled down from his bunk and outside to meet up with the other trainees. As he found himself a spot, his stomach gurgled noisily, attracting the attention of the two preteens on either side of him.

 

He’d expected to be surrounded by faces he’d never seen before, but he knew all of them – every single face, and a name to go along with each one. The same instructor went around to everyone and screamed into their faces and skipped a few people (the ones he’d skipped in the dream). When he rolled around to him, Connie was so disoriented that his salute ended up backwards, and the instructor yelled at him twice as hard and loud as anyone else there. His training couldn’t have started any worse or any weirder. When the instructor moved on he breathed a sigh of relief and focused on trying to explain the situation to himself in his mind.

 

Suddenly, though, something pulled him back. It was a smell that made his empty stomach whine once again. He sniffed the air quietly and knew very well, without even looking, what it was.

 

 _Potato_.

 

There she stood, the same as ever – Sasha Braus, clutching a hot potato in her hand and eating it while every single trainee stared at her. She ate in silence, the only noise being the sound of her chewing. The instructor walked over to her, too stunned to yell, and began asking the same back and forth with her that Connie had heard in his dream – the exact words. His heart stuck itself right in his throat and he swallowed tightly to try and get rid of the feeling, but to no avail. He was stuck, whether or not he knew it, on the day he met his best friend.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

Unfortunately for Connie, he wasn’t a quick learner. He didn’t figure out what was happening until his fourth loop.

 

The second time he died, as stupid as it was, was a training accident. He and Sasha were flying through the woods, testing their 3D-Manuver Gear (having trained twice in it, he thought he was a master). While she watched what was ahead of her, he didn’t, and while cracking some dumbass joke – something he can’t even remember now – he smashed headfirst into a huge tree. With his skull cracked and blood spattered everywhere, he hung loosely by the restraints of his gear, Sasha quickly coming back around to catch sight of his body and scream.

 

He then woke up in his bed in boot camp.

 

By now, he was sure he was losing it. The same people slept beside him and below him, and he was back in his awkward twelve year old body, not his slightly more impressive fifteen year old body or his not as bad thirteen year old body.  

 

The third time he died was during the battle within Wall Sina with the Female Class Titan. He was swinging through the city, feeling a bit more adept and moving faster than everyone else as he shouted orders at the people behind him. A huge chunk of debris from Annie slamming into a church fell from the sky and while others screamed for him to move, he didn’t listen and was crushed. Connie didn’t even have time to blink before everything was black.

 

He then woke up in his bed in boot camp.

 

But this time, he woke up with a scream. All of the other boys in the cabin groaned and some even turned to him to tell him to shut up. After calming himself down, he did something that he hadn’t done very often in his short life (even though he was in his fourth loop). He forced himself to stay awake and reason, think. Okay, so he kept coming back to life – that was obvious. He came back to life at the same time every time as well. So what made this moment so special that he came back to there?

 

Connie looked around, wondering if it really did have anything to do with him. He didn’t see anyone else acting suspiciously, so it _was_ him. He sat there for a while, struggling to think and to figure it out, but nothing hit him. With a sigh of defeat, he lay back down and groaned quietly, resting his wrist on his forehead.

 

When he opened his eyes to try again, he saw the bracelet on his wrist and everything clicked.

 

 _“Just remember one thing: don’t put it on until the day when you absolutely need to.”_ Now he was pissed off; not at his mother, but at himself. Why had he taken such a stupid token? He couldn’t die anymore, but he was forced to relive the same years of his life over and over. The more he thought about it, the scarier it was. What was the point of living those years if he had to see the same pain through the same people? He knew exactly what was going to happen for a point up to about three and a half years.

 

He would have to find Armin on his knees in shock because Eren had just gotten eaten. He would have to watch as he and Sasha missed their titans in the supply tower and endangered the entire group. He would have to see Mikasa cradling Eren as she pulled his steaming body out of the corpse of a deviant titan, crying like a child. He would have to see Jean’s emotionless eyes when he finds Marco lying in the street and see Sasha struggling not to break down beneath her face mask. He would have to see Annie, the Female Class Titan, rampage the city to try and destroy those comrades that had grown so close. In short, Connie was terrified and in need of motivation.

 

Luckily, he found his motivation again the next morning.

 

-          

* * *

 

Connie found himself in line with the same people as he had been for the past several loops. Just to keep up the pattern of confusion, he accidently did his salute backwards again and received the same yelling and the same insults from the instructor as before. He wasn’t feeling too well; it was the first time in a while that he had spent a whole night without sleep. After the instructor moved on from him, he zoned out for a little while before he stopped right in front of _her_ : in front of the potato girl. 

 

She locked eyes with him the moment before she spoke to the stunned instructor and he felt his heart lodge itself into his throat. _No. I can’t…I can’t do this._

Despite himself, Connie watched as she was yelled at maliciously. He knew what came next: she’d have to run. So he shouted at the instructor, “If you’re thinking of making her pay for that potato, you might as well make me pay, too.” There was absolute silence before the instructor looked at him questioningly.

 

“What?”

 

“I stole two loaves of bread last night and had them for breakfast this morning.”

 

 _Absolute silence._ Not a single word followed suit with the entire 104th trainee squad staring at Connie in disbelief, mouths open. Sasha dropped her potato on the ground, locking eyes with the younger boy. Connie blinked and suddenly they were both running laps around the entire camp.

 

“You know…” she breathed harshly, panting roughly as they kept stride together, “that was extremely rash of you.” But she smiled when she said it, and Connie was delighted to realize he knew that smile. It was a genuine smile that she only gave people she really liked or admired – completely different from her laughing smile or alluring smile (not that he’d ever call her alluring…well, never mind).  

 

“Thanks. I was going for that,” he huffed, grinning again. He paused, letting himself catch his breath before he said, and “I didn’t really steal two loaves of bread. I lied.”

 

“Then you must be crazy.” A beat. “My name is Sasha Braus.”

 

He laughed breathlessly and said, “I know.”

 

-         

* * *

 

 

Sasha, before he realized it, became Connie’s motivation. Compared to the others, his fourth loop was the most beautiful yet. They were practically joined at the hip compared to the other trainees. He knew nearly everything about her and yet he was still learning every day. However, they had just completed their training and even though Connie wanted to celebrate, he knew what happened in the morning: the Battle of Trost. He was worried. And when Sasha noticed and asked him, he practically melted. But he had to lie and say it was nothing.

 

She didn’t have it, though. That night, when he tried to go to sleep, he opened his eyes to the sound of her voice, excitedly shaking him awake. “Connie,” she said, “Connie, get up. Come on.” As he sat up, she quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and then spoke again, “Everyone is asleep. Now is our chance. We _have_ to take it.”

 

He grinned and started getting out of bed, but still had to ask, “Take what, Sash?”

 

“The meat,” she spoke, voice quick and quiet as they slipped out of the open window and broke into a run. “The meat hidden for the adults’ feast after our graduation tomorrow afternoon.” She laughed and Connie did too, but they remembered to keep their voices down. “I have to taste it, Connie. I couldn’t live without trying it.”

 

As they ran, Connie’s heart sank when he realized that tomorrow there would be no graduation. And even when they finally did have the ceremony to choose their division, it would be overridden with the details of Eren’s trial and the stench of death in the air (he’d watched Eren for the past couple days. He had no idea what would happen).  But Sasha didn’t know any of this, and the way she breathed through her laughs when she smiled and ran made his heart race. So he decided to be his best just for her and make her the happiest he could before…well, he didn’t want to think about tomorrow.

 

So as fast as they could run, they both snuck into the officer’s quarters and looked through their provisions, only to find the meat snugly bundled up and ready to be transported. Sasha couldn’t contain her excitement, practically shaking as she held the lukewarm package in her hands and then burst out of the window and back outside. Connie trailed behind, keeping up the best he could, making sure that no one was following. Despite this being his fourth loop, this experience was new to him. If he ever died again and made it to a fifth loop, he would have to remember to do this.

 

While she snuck back into the girl’s cabin, Connie watched outside the window, not quite ready to say goodnight yet. He knew that come tomorrow everything would change and she would be devastated. So while she was inside, he formulated a plan – a shitty plan, but a plan nonetheless. Without a word, he opened up the window just a little more and awkwardly tumbled inside.

 

“Connie,” she hissed from the other side of the room, “what are you doing? You might get caught. Commander Shadis would kill you if he found you in the girl’s dorm.”

 

“I know, I know,” he muttered, making his way to the other end of the rows of beds where hers sat in the bottom corner. Connie sat on her bed and laid down, and even though she began to protest, Sasha followed suit and laid next to him, staring at the bottom of the mattress above them. He kept an eye on Mikasa in the bed next to them, who had her back to them. He turned back to Sasha. “Is it safe?”

 

With a nod, she broke into a grin. “I managed to hide it safely under the bed so that it would stay nice and clean.” Her voice shook with excitement as she spoke, fingering the air lightly. “I think I’ll show everyone in the afternoon. I can’t wait, Connie.”

 

“…Yeah, me too,” Connie spoke absentmindedly, turning on his side to face her fully. “Hey, Sash…I need to talk to you. Seriously, alright?” She blinked, a bit caught off guard to the sudden change in atmosphere, but nodded softly. He took a breath and tried to phrase it the best he could.

 

“Tomorrow…will be something you’ll never forget. I’m positive.” He paused to let the words sink in, her eyes still on him, wide and sweet. “Starting tomorrow we have an obligation to the Recon Corps.” He knew how serious those words were. “But…I still want to joke around with you when we get into the military. I know it’s stupid, but…I want to still be _me_. You know?”

 

Sasha, although for a bit looked lost, suddenly looked compassionate. “Yes, I think I understand.”

 

“No matter what happens, think of something good. Think of something positive,” Connie spoke, fast and quiet. He didn’t want anyone in the room to stir, much less Mikasa. Out of the blue, he decided to make a rash decision: probably the stupidest decision he’d made in all four loops he’d been through. “Think of this.” And he leaned in and kissed her, effectively taking her off guard.

 

When he pulled back about a few seconds later, his face flushed from the shock of his own action, immediate regret surged through him. Sasha’s lips were parted in silence, and Connie was just about to speak to try and redeem himself when those parted lips almost crashed against his. It was rough and fierce (and he was pretty sure she bit his lip somewhere in there) and _definitely_ not how he thought his first kiss would go. But as first kisses go, his was particularly bad and awkward.

 

So of course, Connie thought it was perfect.

 

By the time Sasha relented and pulled away from him, he was breathless and too tired to move. She felt the same and they just grunted to each other as “goodnights”, but eventually curled closer together for warmth. It was weird trying to lay with her, what with her being somewhat taller than him. But Connie liked weird and awkward. He thought it was funny; he thought _she_ was funny.

 

“Hey, Connie,” came her voice, breaking the long silence of the cabin.

 

“Mm.”

 

“Where did you get that bracelet?”

 

He chuckled a bit, rumbling low in his chest like thunder. “Can’t tell you.”

 

They slept like that on and off for about two hours until Ymir woke up to discover the two tangled together like dolls on a shelf, and naturally told on them. Commander Shadis was absolutely furious. So furious in fact that he woke up almost the entire camp by screaming that as punishment for Connie’s actions, everyone would be cleaning the wall tomorrow before their graduation ceremony.

 

Connie walked back into the boys cabin with his head held high, thrilled to be punished.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

His fifth loop started at Castle Utgard when he was eaten by the titan behind the door. It wasn’t pretty and was probably his most embarrassing death yet (well, next to smashing into a tree). At least Sasha wasn’t there that time. He was positive that if she was he’d probably go into a sixth loop, having died of embarrassment.

 

When he woke up in his bed again, he just groaned and rolled over. Vaguely he wondered if there would ever come a time when he _wouldn’t_ wake up, just mellow about in the black for eternity. The next morning when he got up and prepped for training (for the fifth time), he didn’t speak to anyone this time. If he did, he was fairly certain he knew what they would say. He felt permanently bored with everything. All of it that he had done for Sasha meant nothing anymore, and that was extremely depressing.

 

Commander Shadis approached him still, though not as harshly when he saluted correctly this time. He approached Sasha, too, and made her run laps around the camp again. Connie didn’t this time, and something about that was…strange. Not the good strange that settled warmly in his stomach and happily confused him, no: the kind of uncomfortable strange that pressed on his shoulders and tried to make him heavier than he actually was. His mood curdled even worse. He should’ve ran beside her again.

 

The rest of his fifth loop was unremarkable, and nothing new. Connie found it a bit comforting to be in solitude, just like he saw Annie do, wandering by herself all the time. Often he considered if he should tell someone that she was a danger and that someday she would go rogue, but eventually he decided against it. There were no measures he could take besides to act accordingly when the ball started rolling. Eventually he was devoured (for the second time, in fact) at The Battle of Trost. Nothing new or remarkable; even his death was boring.

 

Loops six through ten were all boring as well, unfortunately. Connie just couldn’t get past the fact of how everything, literally _everything_ was exactly the same. Occasionally something small in the loops changed; Eren took six seconds to get right-side up during 3D-Manuever Gear handling instead of seven, a few different dinner conversations around maybe a changed meal, and once a pair of boys even chose a different order of beds. But of course, they were so miniscule that it didn’t _really_ change anything. Loop six ended through a rogue civilian slamming a rock on his head in terror. Loop seven ended after a slip-up when attaching his 3D-Manuever Gear to a building and getting stepped on by a 14-meter class. Loops eight and nine were both being devoured out in the fields during a Recon Corps mission. Loop ten was suicide, just to see if it would still work. Of course, it did.

 

He still considered himself close to Sasha – probably the closest friend he had. Well, he didn’t talk to her much anymore, though she did talk to him. That in itself was comforting; she probably (hopefully) sensed what was happening to him. He knew a lot about her, and that was something he thought about often. Connie knew her types of smiles, her types of laughs, how to tell how she felt from her eyes, that she had a beauty mark under her collarbone, and so much more.

 

By the eleventh loop, Commander Shadis no longer approached him during their first day of training. His expression was hardened and his salute was perfect. He felt himself rising through the ranks, from 8th to 5th to even 2nd, replacing Reiner without a second thought (he had no intention of even budging Mikasa; even so, he was shit at strategy). He worked with others when needed, knew how to act in battle, and was extremely fast and agile.

 

Connie was finished with his training (for the eleventh time) and was exhausted by the time it was over. He could never seem to get any sleep any more. He felt ancient – he had been around for probably close to decades and yet he hadn’t learned anything but how to harden himself to everyone else. Everyone was celebrating as usual, and just as he was about to skip out, he heard a voice. “Connie.”

 

It was a female voice, he noted, but it wasn’t Sasha: nothing like her. He kept moving until the voice was closer and in his ear. _“Connie.”_

 

Upon turning, Connie found himself face to face with the number one in their class, Mikasa. She shared the same expression he was using a lot lately: one of apathy. Even through eleven loops, they’d never really spoken much. He’d witnessed her speech during the Battle of Trost several times, seemingly more eloquent than each time before. As she spoke, voice soft and low, she moved him outside with a hand on his back. “I felt I should congratulate you on your rank. It was…impressive, and I don’t think anyone expected it, myself included.”

 

“Thanks,” he muttered, stopping a bit harshly as they got outside. “What do you want, Mikasa? We don’t really have anything to talk about.”

 

“You know something,” she said, and she was so sure of herself that it hurt. He felt so caught off guard by her words that he visibly tensed and straightened his shoulders. She approached him, coming a bit closer and moving them further from the noise of the mess hall. “I can see it in your eyes, Connie. The way you watch people. The way you watch Annie to make sure she won’t hurt anyone. That pitiful expression you wear when you see Jean talking to Marco.”

 

“… _What_?” was the only word that came out of his mouth, agitated and confused.

 

Mikasa sighed in irritation and started walking back to the girl’s cabin. He, dumbstruck, followed behind. “You don’t have to pretend anymore. At least, not around me.” When Connie said nothing, mouth hanging open, she rolled her eyes and walked a bit faster. “I noticed from our first day here. Everyone was wandering around the camp for weeks before they figured out what was where. Everyone but you.” She looked at him, almost accusingly, before opening the door into the girl’s cabin and disappearing into the dark.

 

Silence ensued, and the air was heavy with tension. Connie wasn’t sure what he was afraid of or why this secret was so precious to him. It felt like the only solid thing he had going for him, the one thing that was constant and unchanging. Just as he was about to leave to go to his cabin and sleep, Mikasa returned outside, her red scarf wrapped comfortably around her neck. As Connie looked at her scarf, he felt cold.

 

“It’s obvious, Connie. You may not have told anyone, but that doesn’t mean that you’re very good at hiding it.” She tenderly pulled down the cloth so that her lips weren’t covered. With her voice a bit quieter, she breathed, “I…am in the same situation as you. I know what it feels like.”

 

“…” he swallowed roughly before finding the words and pulling them out of his throat. “H…How many loops have you been through, Mikasa?”

 

“Countless,” she sighed, dark eyes looking at the ground before returning to him, “but I don’t think you’re as experienced as me. How many have you been through?”

 

“Eleven. Just…eleven,” Connie sighed, quieter than he had intended.

 

She moved to sit on the steps of the cabin, and he followed suit. “I assume your token is that bracelet.” She motioned to it. “Who gave it to you?”

 

“My mother…I never questioned it. I should have, though. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

 

“I don’t think of it like that,” Mikasa said, locking eyes with him. “Look…I know what this feels like. My token is this scarf.” She wrapped it a bit tighter as emphasis. “It was given to me by someone very important. Every token is. It doesn’t work unless they’re special to you.” There was silence for a little while as Connie toyed with the frayed thread of his bracelet, fingering it softly. “Connie, we don’t have a lot in common. Barely anything, in fact. But I’ve been through this and I can tell you that it won’t get better unless you have motivation.”

 

In protest, Connie straightened his posture and stared at the ground. “I, I _had_ motivation, but…she – it didn’t seem like enough.” He sighed in defeat and looked at the doors of the mess hall.

 

“Are you saying that protecting someone and being with them isn’t enough?” She huffed, speaking the most emotionally he’d ever heard her. “Your motivation is Sasha. Or it was, you said. That’s obvious.” Not a word of protest. “Don’t let dying demotivate you into thinking you have to relive the same boring moments over and over. Let dying motivate you into turning those boring moments into something beautiful.” She paused. “I used to be reckless. Even more reckless than you, probably. I don’t go back to the beginning of training, I go back _further_ , to when I was a little girl and my parents were…” Mikasa trailed off. Connie looked at her with sympathy in her eyes.

 

“My motivation is to keep the person who gave me this scarf as safe as I can,” her fingers twirled the edges of it, picking at a stray thread. “He’s my only family left and I want nothing more than to ensure his safety. _Use_ her as motivation, Connie. There’s no way to escape this system. I’ve tried,” and Mikasa stood and started heading back towards the mess hall, achingly slow. “If you don’t, you’ll always be bored and tired and dead inside.” He stood up, his knees creaking as he did, and sighed through his nose as she turned and walked away.

 

But before she was gone, she stopped. Almost a jolt, she paused and then turned back and looked at him. “There’s one more person in the 104th Trainee Squad who is under these conditions. I won’t tell you who it is…but their token is a silver ring.”

 

Connie watched as she disappeared into the night and back inside, only to come out a few minutes later with Eren and Armin. As he went to bed that night, mentally preparing himself for another Battle of Trost, he noticed a shine from Jean’s ring finger. A silver ring.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

There was a slip-up once in one of the loops. The alarming thing was that it was possibly one of the biggest slip-up’s that could have ever occurred in any time loop. It was Connie’s thirteenth loop, and he had long memorized several lists of the people that died, when they died, their first words to him and their last words to him. So, naturally, it was a huge surprise when he saw Jean sitting in a cart for the injured during cleanup for the Battle of Trost. This was a first – the first first for a long time.

 

But Jean wasn’t injured. He was crying. He was sobbing, in fact, and Connie thought that he had never seen a more pathetic look on his face. _Maybe he finally snapped,_ he thought solemnly. _Maybe he’s sick of trying to save Marco when he just keeps dying._

 

As Connie watched the cart approach, heading for the hospital camp set up down the road, he watched Jean as he hunched over and tried to catch his breath. As his gasps for breath filled the street, he noticed something different about the way Jean was crying. He’d seen Jean cry several times, but never this rough or hard. The fifteen-year old was leaning over an injured body, and as they grew closer, Connie could hear a name being choked out of Jean’s lips.

 

_“Marco.”_

The body of Marco Bodt lay in the injured cart, with his entire right arm ruggedly devoured and utterly missing. But as Marco lay there with a face contorted in slight pain with Jean over him repeating his name like a chant, he was breathing. There was life in his freckled cheeks and blood that flowed through him (and out of him) and he was _alive_.

 

As Connie stared, mouth wide open in disbelief behind his face mask, Sasha walked up next to him, peering into the cart. She caught her breath in her throat and spoke softly, “Is that…Marco? What happened?”

 

“I don’t know,” Connie muttered, and he got quiet for a good minute before retching, gagging, and vomiting through his mask and all over his dusty boots.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

Loop number thirteen quickly became Connie’s favorite loop. Everything that ever went wrong seemed to right itself, starting with Marco coming back alive. Upon waking up in the infirmary, Marco proceeded to tell Commander Pixis that he remembered a fellow trainee stealing his 3D-Manuever Gear shortly before he passed out, thinking he was dead.  The trainee turned out to be Annie Leonhardt, who was captured in her sleep and taken to the inner districts in Wall Sina for questioning. She stayed in their custody instead of rampaging throughout the walls as the Female Titan.

 

The thirteenth loop was also a loop full of many firsts for Connie. There was the first time he got drunk (he and Jean stole some booze from Pixis’ quarters, bringing it back for a party). There was the first time that he didn’t initiate a relationship with Sasha (she started it, actually, initiating it with an accidental kiss). There was the time he saw Eren reach over and grab Mikasa’s hand when he thought no one was looking. There was the getting used to Marco alive and with one arm. And of course, there was the first time he ever had sex.

 

It was the night when he and Jean stole Pixis’ alcohol and snuck back to the soldier barracks. Nine of them sat together in the center of the boy’s bedroom, huddled around several bottles on the floor and some bread that Sasha stole from the kitchen. It was Eren, Mikasa, (reluctantly) Armin, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Marco, Ymir, and Christa. Together they all learned some delightful things (or that’s what Connie thought): Eren and Jean were horrible lightweights, Christa wouldn’t drink until someone (Ymir) literally held the bottle to her lips, Jean makes great expressions right after he throws up, and Marco could drink anyone under the table.

 

Sasha, after about her fifth slug from the bottle, pushed Armin out of the way to sit next to Connie, pressing herself remarkably close to him. Ymir began telling immature jokes and everyone burst out laughing at all of them, even though they were totally and completely unmemorable. But Connie could very distinctly remember the sound of her laughter pressed against him, her warm breath against his ear with the light scent of alcohol riding on it.

 

When the bottle came back around to him, Connie had it on his mouth, the liquid almost at his lips, when a soft, sultry voice came to his ear and said, “Don’t drink too much more. You’ll want to remember this.” He flicked his eyes over to Sasha but she was already back to laughing with the group. They were all too drunk to see her hand on the inside of his thigh, but he certainly noticed.

 

An hour in, everyone in the group ranged from a sweet high to attempting to drag themselves off the floor. Eren was leaned heavily on Mikasa’s shoulder, slurring words into her ear while she attempted to stay stoic and hide the pleasant buzz of pink blush and dilated eyes. Armin was probably the happiest that Connie had ever seen him: giggling like a girl as he preceded Mikasa dragging Eren out of the room. Jean was trying his best to flirt with Marco but helplessly stumbled over his own words, watching Marco finish off the last bottle with an amused expression through blurry eyes. Ymir and Christa were talking to each other, but neither of them seemed to be paying attention to anything the other was saying.

 

Sasha excitedly tugged on Connie’s hand excitedly and pulled him into the dark hall, murmuring indistinct words into his ear. He stuttered a bit, knowing what was going on somewhere in the back of his foggy mind, but still trying to make sense of it. “Sash, is this…? Now?”

 

“No better time,” she giggled, her words quiet and with a bit of southern twinge to them. Her hands were warm and her breathing was smooth against his neck. It was then that he took pleasant note that he was beginning to grow taller and that his height was approaching hers. When he went to kiss her she was already halfway there, lips hungry and ready for his. They kissed for a while in the low light of the hall before Sasha grew impatient and pulled Connie into the supply closet.

 

Their movements were clumsy and slow, but somewhat focused. Connie had every intent of lasting the longest he could just for her (even though he was half-hard already just from her words). They tugged off some of their day clothes and ended up together sitting on the floor of the cramped space, listening to each other’s gasps fill the air. Sasha sat in his lap and rolled her hips to his, both of them still half-dressed and half-drunk. Connie didn’t last nearly as long as he thought he could have, but she didn’t either. Within several final gasps, they were collapsed on each other with Sasha’s open chest pressed to his. She sighed his name and Connie could’ve gotten hard again right there, but all of his energy was gone.

 

They managed to, together, drag each other out of the supply closet and stay awake long enough to clean each other off and say mumbled goodnights. It was about one-thirty when they parted, and the adrenaline of sex and alcohol was beginning to wear off. By the time Connie returned to the boys bunk to get some sleep, Jean was passed out in his bunk half dressed, Armin was tossing and turning in his bed, Eren was nicely tucked in (so tightly, in fact, that he might not have been able to move), Marco was reading by a dim candle, and Ymir and Christa had disappeared to who knew where (though they were presumably together). Connie fell asleep with Sasha’s moans running through his head and the sight of her rolling her hips.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

Connie, Mikasa, and Jean had a long conversation once. It felt more like a secret meeting, except for the fact that it wasn’t planned out very well and there was no agenda. They all met one evening down by the gates going into Wall Maria and ended up sitting in a circle with their hoods up after the others had gone inside, when the sky was just showing its tints of orange. Their days were quiet recently. Another first for all of them was that Reiner and Bertholdt departed from all of them in the middle of the night without leaving a trace behind. Their worries were limited. Connie felt on edge at times because he no longer knew what was coming next.

 

“…What comes after this?” He spoke out, glancing at Jean sitting next to him. “I’ve never made it to a point like this. Reiner and Bertholdt have never just up and _left_. I’m…a bit confused.”

 

Jean snorted, absentmindedly spinning his silver ring. “Figures you’d be confused. We do what we always did our first times around. Sit and wait through it.” Mikasa glanced across at the both of them in silent agreement. “I mean…I get it. It’s never been this different. It isn’t confusing so much as it’s…unnerving.” He looked up to the horizon for a moment, then at Mikasa. “Hey…you’ve made it longer than anyone, right? How long have you lived?”

 

“Up until the end of Eren’s life,” she spoke, voice abnormally quiet. “It was different then. We had both grown old. My memories of that are hazy, and it only happened once…but Eren lived to be an old man. He died in bed and I was killed the next day.” Mikasa looked them both in the eyes when she spoke, asserting to them that this would be one of the few moments of vulnerability she ever showed either of them. “I was trampled in a mob. That’s all I remember.”

 

“Do you know what happens after this?” Connie asked, scooting to get a better look at her.

 

“No,” Mikasa said, short and simple.

 

Silence ensued for all of them. After not speaking for about two minutes, they turned their attention to the horizon and watched the sun straddle the skyline and the trees. Connie jumped a bit when Jean broke the silence.

 

“I think this is my last loop,” he said, eyes focused and clear and straight ahead. As he spoke, he removed his silver ring from his finger, gaining the utmost attention of the two on either side of him. “I know it’s a bit…selfish to end on such an odd one instead of continuing to fight. But I’ve always been selfish, and…I got what I wanted in the end.” Jean drew in a short breath, turning the faded ring between his thumb and forefinger. “Who knows, anyways – maybe there’s more fighting for us to come.” He was quiet for another moment. “I’m giving this to Marco after dinner tonight. I’m giving it back to him. ‘Gonna tell him that I don’t need it anymore.”

 

“He’ll like it,” Connie replied, voice a bit unexpectedly shaky. “He likes anything that you get him.”

 

Mikasa met both of their eyes, nodded slightly, and then stood to head back inside the wall. Connie was shaking and he wasn’t quite sure why – maybe it was that it was only he and Mikasa left in their hellish worlds and Jean was abandoning them for a regular life. He’d never realized that at any point he could have given up; he wondered if he should just give up right then while things were good. But he recognized that he couldn’t. He would’ve have to have given his bracelet back to his mother, and his mother was currently out in the middle of his village, stranded as a lone titan.

 

“She loves you, you know,” Jean spoke again, startling him out of his thoughts of home. Connie looked up. “Sasha, I mean. I can see it when I look at her. She…” he laughed a bit, his voice hoarse. “She thinks you’re the smartest guy she’s ever met.”

 

He laughed, too, startling himself with the abruptness of it. “She would, wouldn’t she…? Guess it kind of figures.” Connie looked up at Jean, meeting his eyes one more time. “I’ll miss you, Jean. The security of knowing that someone else knows what it’s like, too. Mikasa will, too. So…try not to be too much of an asshole in the rest of this loop.” He smiled crookedly, perhaps one of the only genuine smiles he ever let Jean see. It was returned. “Make the most of this one.”

 

The three of them never spoke like that again, and the idea that there was someone else stuck in time loops was forgotten. They were alone, but they were far from lonely.

 

-         

* * *

 

 

There was one last first that Connie wanted to try, just once. If it didn’t work out he’d never attempt it again, but it was something he had to experience just once to know. It was in the same loop that had been Jean’s last loop, the thirteenth loop. He and Sasha were alone during break time, lying in Sasha’s bed together. She was pressed on top of him, staring down at him playfully and drawing shapes on his chest. He reached up and sighed quietly, resting his hand on the small of her back. “There’s something that’s been on my mind lately.”

 

Sasha froze up a bit, tensing on top of him. “Uh, Connie…you should know that I am not one for that type of relationship –”

 

Without warning, Connie burst into laughter, startling both of them. After calming down, he said, “What? No, Sash, I…I wasn’t talking about getting married.” He felt her relax and his confidence went back up. “No, it’s something different. You just…I want you to trust me with this.”

 

Neither of them said anything: Sasha waited for him to continue and Connie listened to the quiet beat of her heart. “I…don’t know how to explain this, really. To an outsider it would sound kind of…well, not kind of, but really, _very_ crazy.”

 

“Outsider?” She raised a brow, ceasing drawing pictures on his chest.  

 

“Yeah, an outsider,” he sighed through his nose. “You know how I always wear this bracelet?” She nodded. “Well…when I was a kid, my mom gave it to me as a gift. She didn’t tell me what it was, what it was for, or why she gave it to me. She just told me never to put it on until I needed to. So when I came here to sign up to become a trainee, I put on the bracelet the night before our first day of training.”

 

“I don’t see where you’re going with this, Connie.”

 

“…Every time I…die, I come back. That’s the simplest way to explain it.” Connie took a breath, fiddling with the ends of the hair in her ponytail. “I know that it sounds crazy, but when I put on this bracelet, I got stuck in loops through time. I saw the same things over and over, the same people have the same conversations and the same people die…”

 

“Oh,” Sasha mumbled, seemingly unsure of how to respond. “How…how am I supposed to believe you, Connie?”

 

“You can’t,” he whispered, “You just have to trust me. I wouldn’t lie about this, Sasha. I’ve probably lived up to a lifetime now and I know it’s really weird but you just have to trust me on this –”

 

“How many?” Sasha whispered back, interrupting him.

 

“…I’ve died twelve times. You’re the reason I keep going. I just…” he took in a breath. “You had to know. Or I had to tell you. I would’ve probably exploded if I didn’t relax and actually tell you about it.” His golden eyes met hers. “I don’t know if you believe me or not, but…”

 

“Can I ask what they’re like?” She spoke, and curled up on top of him. Her face as it pressed to his chest grew warmer, and she listened as Connie listed off nearly everything that had happened since he put on the bracelet. He left out almost no details. Sasha seized up at the part where he said Marco died, when Connie said he died, and during all of the battles. The Sasha in this loop hadn’t experienced half of what he was telling her. But he still loved her all the same.

 

After he had finished, his tongue was tired and he was ready to just let the subject die. But she sat with her chin on his collarbone, staring at him incessantly. When Connie finally looked at her, she kissed him, but the most different, interesting kiss he’d ever had. It felt like a cake with different layers – wait, no, calling Sasha a cake would be weird. But it did feel complex, like she was trying to talk to him. And even though he never felt like the smartest person in the room, he knew he understood whatever she was saying.

 

“I love you, Connie,” she spoke, and she broke into a smile when she did. “And I don’t know what I was like in any of those other loop things: if I was just like this or if I was completely different. But I know that I still loved you in every one of them, no matter what I was like or what you were like. There is no one like me and there is no one like you, and there is no time like _now_.”

 

When she was finished, he laughed and kissed her again. But for the first time, in front of her, he started crying, freely and effortlessly. He didn’t know what came next, but whatever it was, he knew that he was ready for it. Because she was right: there was no time like now.

 

 


End file.
